Breaking Free

God has allowed me to break free from many strongholds in the past. I am forever grateful for His mercy and grace. Breaking free is not always easy though. In fact, sometimes it is painful and miserable. I have been on an anxiety disorder medication for a little over 3 years now due to post par-tum after Emma was born. I was having daily heart palpitations, triggered by the extreme anxiety. For those of you who know anything about anxiety disorders, they are extremely uncontrollable on your own. I tried to avoid all medications for the first 6 months after Emma was born, but the longer I went, the worse my symptoms got, and the more me and my family suffered. Most people do not understand what some women go through after having a baby. People are shocked when a woman kills her children. But no one pays attention to their cries for help, long before they lost control. Post par-tum depression/anxiety turns you into a different person. And with no support, I can only imagine what some women go through. It is very sad.
Thankfully, I have a loving, supportive husband who puts up with my baggage and helps me carry it. Anyway, I will get off my soap box :).
I have been wanting to come off my medication for over a year now. I am not depressed. But, I still have so much anxiety. My medication is very strong and impossible for most people to wean off successfully. The side effects are horrible. Beyond horrible. I am having the hardest time finding a good doctor here. If I was in Houston, Dr. Joe would have already helped me so much. I went to a doctor a month ago, and explained I wanted to come off my stronger prescription. I explained to her that I had researched extensively and the side effects were supposed to be terrible. 99% of patients go right back on the medicine. Many suggest going on a different med that is not so strong, to help ease the side effects, and after about 6 months, wean off that one. This doctor informed me that she would not switch me unless and I came off my med completely for 2 weeks. I told her I did not think I could do that, but she said I would just have to deal with it. (This is coming from a doctor who does not believe in any of these medications. She said I should be able to go to a counselor for all my anxiety needs.) I laugh at that! She has no clue. I would love to get off my medication and allow God to help me deal with every day stress, BUT, it is not that simple.
However, what am I supposed to do. She cut my dose in half for 7 days, and then cut me cold turkey, the week UBC arrived :). Great timing! I thought I was doing OK the past 5 days. Keeping busy helping the mission team. I was having phases of vertigo through out each day, but I was managing. Then last night, the vertigo got worse, and my body began to hurt. Then this morning came, and it hit hard. I woke up a different person. On edge. Rude. Mean. Sick. Unstable. Dizzy. Blurred vision. Severe body aches. I told, or yelled at Sterling that I could not take care of anyone but myself today. I did not like who I was being this morning. I am ashamed and embarrassed. Sterling watched Emma all day. Thankfully UBC was in Manhattan today. (Logan was here though, and is probably scared to come back now :).) I slept from 8:45 this morning until 4pm. I could not believe it. I woke up a mess, crying at everything. I finally realized I could not break free from this drug the way this doctor wanted me to. It was not worth what it was doing to me and more importantly Sterling and the girls. I called the doctor and they said they could see me Friday. I told the office lady I could not wait until Friday. That I was a complete mess and could not continue to feel this way. They called me back and told me to take another dose and come see them on Friday to figure out what to do.
I have to care for my family, and reach the lost of Long Island, and help build a church, and help remodel a church, and host people in my home....the list goes on and on. I do not have 2 weeks to stay locked in a room, while the medicine leaves my system. And that is what would have to happen. Because I will not subject my family to my crazy self again!
I took the dose, and still feel horrible. It will take about 48 hours to feel better. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. Please pray that on Friday this doctor will HEAR me, and will place me on a different medicine that I can eventually wean off without the severe side effects. I am so tired. So so tired. I am so discouraged. I will not allow Satan to have victory over me in this battle. I will break free. Just a lot slower and saner for me and my family. Pray I will find someone to help me. I miss Dr. Joe in Houston. I miss having a wonderful Christian doctor, who you know you can trust to take care of you. I am going to call him tomorrow to see if he can help me all the way in New York. I will keep you posted. Thanks for listening. Blogging is such a great release for me in times like these, and so wonderful to know the people who read will pray for me. Some would think I am crazy for even sharing such personal thoughts, but I learned a long time ago, that I do not need or want to hide my down falls, my sin, my struggles. I want to be real. I want to be honest. It is the only way to experience true freedom from the grip of Satan. Do not be afraid to be real, to share, to put yourself out there in front of others. Do not be ashamed, for their is NO MORE condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! Thank you God! God is so good.